Lonely for Her
by seashell118
Summary: A songfic with lyrics from "Lonely for Her" by Jack's Mannequin. What was Edward thinking when he told Bella goodbye? How did he feel when he decided to kill himself, knowing Bella had done the same?


**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer Me. I don't own Edward, Bella, or even Jack's Mannequin's "Lonely for Her", though all three are on my Christmas List.**

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**Every time I'm thinking bout  
The day coming 'round  
Well I'll be strong**

How was I going to do this?  
Bella wouldn't let me leave her if she knew my true reasoning. She didn't care that I constantly place her in the face of danger- she didn't care that I almost killed her. She just couldn't grasp the extreme danger she was in, although she had been nearly killed multiple times. A shiver ran down my spine.

But I had to leave. It might kill me to do it, but I had to make Bella's life safe again. That's the most unselfish thing I could do in this situation. I had to leave. For Bella's sake.

I resolved myself in this decision. I would do it tomorrow. My tawny eyes grew stony, my jaw too tight. I couldn't let any fraction of emotion escape me. I had to leave, no matter how much I desperately wanted to stay. This wasn't about me. This was to keep my true love safe.

**Well that's the day that passes into night  
it's like I can't hold on  
I can't hold on**

Gasping and sobbing, I fled through the forest. I didn't know how long I had been running, but it was night now. I had just accomplished the impossible. I had just convinced Bella that I didn't love her, that I was leaving her.

And she believed me.

How, how could she possibly believe such an atrocious lie? As if I could ever stop loving her? The idea was simply ludicrous. Had I not convinced her enough of my love for her?

Or… and another thought entered my mind… had I been right in thinking that her human emotions and weaknesses made her unable to love me the way I loved her? I didn't blame her if this was the case. I was a monster, a vicious, murderous monster.

"Bella," I whispered, her name fracturing my dead heart into pieces that were already splintered. "Bella, I'm sorry."

I couldn't run anymore. My knees gave way, and I collapsed into the dirt, sobbing tearlessly until morning.

**I'm uneasy, And I'm weak in the knees  
And I'm trying not to breathe  
Not believing, Not believing you're gone  
And that I was the one to let you**

How could I have possibly been so stupid? Even if Bella didn't love me, I could have had her. I could have pretended. Instead I let her go, leaving me beyond brokenhearted. I was in a state of utter helplessness.

I didn't hunt anymore; it had been months since my last meal of sorts. I cut off my oxygen to resist the smells of the humans, each and every one of them reminding me tantalizingly of the one that I still loved, the one that I would have traded my soul for if I still had one.

My cell phone rang, jarring me out of my misery for a brief moment. I answered without a second thought, though I wished I hadn't a moment later.

"I'm not coming home, Rosalie," I said firmly. Straight and to the point- and I had only used up half the oxygen in my lungs. I had enough for about one more sentence without taking another breath, and I was preparing my words for the goodbye forever when Rosalie spoke again, voicing the one thing I never wanted to hear.

"Edward, it's Bella. She's dead."

**I'm so, I'm so lonely for her  
I'm so, I'm so lonely for her  
So lonely for her**

No.

**I'm staring at the clock but the clock  
Doesn't talk, it just stands still**

Time ceased to have any meaning. It was as if the world itself had stopped altogether.  
Bella… had killed herself.

**A head full of fuzz, and a puzzle  
That adds up the scandal**

Why would she do this? What on earth would have driven her to such extremes? My mind could barely work through the excruciating agony I was in, though I forced myself to answer the question.

Well, it was simple, really.

Seeing Bella's face crumple that night I told her goodbye… that image haunted me throughout my sleepless nights and soulless existence. And I realized that I had been wrong all this time- she had loved me. That's why she didn't care if I was killing her. It wasn't that she didn't understand the danger- she just thought I was worth it.

My mind clicked, pulling the pieces of the puzzle together. She had been hurting all this time. So she had killed herself to end the pain.

Bella was dead because of me.

**No I can't handle three nights  
So I shudder to think  
When the nights turn to weeks  
Am I alright? The comedian said  
That a day without lights just...**

It would take two days to travel to the Volturi, and another for them to deliberate.

Could I handle three days more of life that ceased to have meaning?

Well, I didn't have Bella's option of the easy way out- suicide. The Volturi were my last hope.

**I'm so, I'm so lonely for her  
I'm so, I'm so lonely for her  
I'm so lonely for her  
I'm so, I'm so lonely**

"Edward, Edward! We've thought things over, and we've decided to make you an offer," Aro said cheerfully.

"An offer." My voice was blank, dead. They weren't giving me the sweet relief I was looking for… alternative plans started to form in my mind. Lifting a car in the middle of the street. Going hunting in the city.

"Well, we were all wondering if you would like to join our ranks instead."

The hiss that ran around the room suggested that not all wanted me to join. The feeling was mutual.

"I'll have to think it over, Aro."

"Get back to us, then," he responded cheerfully.

I nodded, all the while thinking of plans to expose myself as I walked out.

**I'm so lonely  
My one and only….**

Sunlight. I would walk out into the sunlight.

**I'm so, I'm so lonely for her  
(And when the rain comes)  
I'm so, I'm so lonely for her  
(It'll fall and that's okay)**

I took my shirt off in the shadow, the same one I had worn when I ruined both my and Bella's life. I hadn't changed since. I closed my eyes, preparing myself.

**I'm so, I'm so lonely for her  
(And when the sun comes out)  
I'm so, I'm so lonely for her  
(It's gonna be a beautiful day)  
I'm so, I'm so lonely for her  
I'm so, I'm so lonely for her**

I knew that when I walked into the sunlight, everything would be perfect. I deserved whatever pain the Volturi would inflict on me before killing me, but I didn't mind that. The pain that Bella had died was the worst thing I had ever experienced, including my transformation and resisting her blood. Anything else would be a walk in the park. With cruel irony, I realized that this experience would have given me the strength I needed to resist Bella's blood without any chance of harming her. I tried not to think about that- it didn't matter anymore. All that mattered was that, with one step into the sun, I would be that much closer to being with my Bella again in death. Or, at least, I would have sweet relief from this horrible, agonizing hole in my chest where my cold heart used to reside.

I held out my hands, palms up. My eyes were still closed, and beneath them I was seeing things that I would do anything to relive. They were all of my experiences with Bella….

Bella….

I smiled as I remembered how she claimed she could smell blood in that one instance when she fainted in Biology… I remembered the way her eyes lit up when I told her I loved her, like I was some kind of prize… I remembered watching her in her sleep, knowing that this beautiful creature was _mine_.

I was at peace.

**All I know is that  
I'm so, lonely for her… for her  
Open my window, oh….  
I'm ready to live with this  
And you walk by my window, oh..  
You give me something to miss  
White legs to the touch  
Why do you hurt me so much**

In that instant, that one moment before my death, I swore that I could hear her voice.

"Edward!" she called to me.

I smiled slightly wider.

"Edward! Edward!" Her voice seemed to be begging me to do something- to die so that I could be with her, forever.

_I'm coming, my love_, I said in my mind, taking that one step that would bring me into the sunlight, bringing me to my eternal peace.

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**Well, we all know what happens after this. I hope I captured what Edward was thinking and feeling correctly.**

**Reviews would be greatly appreciated :)  
**


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